The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
