I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
