Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
