Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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