He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
