Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize