My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize