Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
