I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
