i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
