The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You ever have a fart follow you around?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
