She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize