Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
