i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
