There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize