I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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