could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I need moral support for this bender
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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