Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We have so much sex to catch up on
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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