it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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