My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
