i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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