Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
