Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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