I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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