I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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