I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
