You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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