chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
