Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
