smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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