I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize