i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
