In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
