The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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