Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
