you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I still have a little drunk in my system
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
