Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
