apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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