ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
