I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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