So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
