if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
