drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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