This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
