I want to make a zoo with you.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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