god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I got chris browned last night
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
