He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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