So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
