would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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