you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
