He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
