god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
