Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
