If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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