Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
