I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
