Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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