I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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