The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
