she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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