What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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